"If you had an iceberg, and it was made out of doo-doo, you'd have a doo-doo-berg."

"Doo-doo-berg sounds like dodo bird, but it's different. The dodo bird is exstinct, while a doo-doo-berg is ex-stink."

"I was born during the Summer of Love (1967). I guess that means I was conceived during the cold, dark winter of '66."

"Jurassic Park -- now there's a scary movie, huh? Being stranded on an island with Jeff Goldblum."

"When people find out I was born on the Fourth of July, they say, 'I guess you came into the world with a bang, huh?' I tell them, 'No, I came into the world as the result of a bang.' "

"I have a sixth sense, the ability to identify other Ralph Nader supporters. I call it 'Nadar'."

"I read that some black people are angry that their employers are racist and wouldn't promote them. I thought, well, that's what they get for choosing to be black."

"I sold my Yahoo stock today. You know why? Because fuck Yahoo."

"My girlfriend broke up with me and now she's seeing something else. She was the most incredible lover I've ever been with. So it's not just knowing that she's screwing this other guy, it's knowing that she's screwing him well."

I studied Japanese in college. I don't know any martial arts, but I figure if I get cornered in a dark alley one night, I can just start screaming in Japanese and they'll figure that I'm a karate expert. I'd yell something like, "Boku wa, hana ga daisuki da yo!" Which means, "I like flowers a lot." Of course, they won't know that. Actually, if they did know that, then I'd be in REAL trouble. "Oh, so you like FLOWERS, huh?" Then all I could do would be to follow it up with something like, "Watashi wa toshokan de benkyou shita ne!" ("I studied at the library.")

Sex is like riding a roller coaster. You have to wait in line for your turn, you throw up during the ride, it only lasts a few minutes, and it costs you a few bucks.... What, you mean it's not like that for you?

Because I Love You

You can have the good pillow.

I will take the skanky one.

Because I love you.