I got arrested in Vernal City, UT in 1998 and spent the night in jail. It's a long story, but the short of it is that I was unlucky enough to be in a car with someone who had marijuana. To occupy my mind while in my cell, I composed the following. It's not completely autobiographical (e.g., the officers didn't abuse me), but most of the rest is based on fact.

Thank you for staying with us at the Vernal City Jail. Please take a moment to fill out this visitor survey. Your comments will help us to provide the best service possible to future inmates.

1. How would you rate your arresting officer? (Please check only one.)

2. Do you know the secret of why all the officers have mustaches?

❏ Yes   ❏ No

    (Note: Answering YES will subject you to additional charges.)

❏ high-quality
❏ mysterious
❏ existential
❏ black

4. How would you rate your holding cell on:

5. I found the temperature in my cell to be:

❏ cold
❏ very cold
❏ very very cold
❏ testicle-numbing cold
❏ "For the love of God!"-type cold
❏ Arctic-like
❏ suitable for scientific investigation into Absolute Zero

6. I found my breakfast to be:

❏ gourmet-quality
❏ tasty
❏ nutritious, yet unimaginative
❏ cornflakes

7. Would being supplied with a clean blanket instead of one reeking of foot odor improve your view of this facility?

❏ Yes    ❏ No

8. None of the following items are provided in visitors' cells (as you learned during your visit here). At such time as the State orders us to make improvements, it will be helpful for us to know which missing features our visitors want most. Please check the ONE item below that you would MOST prefer to have in your cell.

9. I hope that the corrections officers I dealt with are:

❏ promoted for performing above & beyond the call of duty.
❏ indicted for corruption and incompetence.

❏I hope to be incarcerated in this facility again the next time I am arrested in this state.

❏ I plan to be arrested elsewhere because I was dissatisfied with this facility.

❏ Yes    ❏ No