Jokes

I've always been fascinated by the jokes. For starters, where do they come from? Evidently people write them, but how many of us have ever written a joke? That just adds to their mystery. Then there are the literary and cultural issues -- how jokes are told and retold for ages, and how they change over time. There's also the psychology: What exactly it is that makes them funny? All these things make me feel that jokes are a much richer part of life than we might have thought.

Unfortunately, I think I've been a much better joke teller than a joke writer. But here are some I can share. First, an introduction to my favorite genre, the non-traditional joke.

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My Non-Traditional Jokes

Before presenting my non-traditional jokes, let's talk about what makes them non-traditional. All normal jokes fall into one of two broad categories: (1) Wordplay, like a pun or similar-sounding words,or (2) Surprise Ending. As you hear various jokes, notice which category it is. I noticed that my friend Molly tended to like wordplay jokes but not unexpected ending jokes, so I knew which to tell her (and which not to).

A traditional joke makes sense and has a funny punchline at the end (either wordplay or a surprise ending). So a NON-traditional joke is one that either doesn't make sense, or doesn't have a normal punchline at the end. The first non-traditional joke I ever heard was told to me by my roommate years ago:

Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One leg is both the same.

I consider this the finest joke ever written. It's non-traditional in two ways: First of all, it's funny at the beginning, not just at the end. The question itself is a parody of "What's the difference" jokes. People who get this often laugh out loud right after the question, before the "punchline" is given. (Unfortunately, half the time I tell this joke people miss the parody and ask "The difference between a duck and WHAT?" Whenever that happens I cry inside for humanity.) Second, the whole joke is, of course, non-sensical. This type of joke is often referred to as an absurd joke.

One of the other more famous non-traditional jokes is variations of two animals in a bathtub:

So two ducks are sitting in a bathtub. The first duck asks, "Would you pass the soap," and the other duck says, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"

Another common punchline to that joke is, "No soap, radio!" In fact, there used to be a band called No Soap Radio which has a page discussing the characteristics of this joke.

A hallmark of non-traditional jokes is that they parody jokes themselves; they make fun of jokes by using common joke devices, such as bars, things that happen in threes, deserts, Q&A's, etc.

Here's another:

Q: Why is a mouse when it spins?
A: The higher, the fewer.

The Words & Stuff newsletter has a page about non-traditional jokes, which includes these unanswerable questions:

• Is it colder in Buffalo or in the winter? At night.
• Why do more people watch television than I do?
• How old do you speak French?
• Which would you rather eat or a train?

A reader, Lissa writes:  "My dad was a World War II vet.  He said that the soldiers used the 'difference between a duck' and 'no soap radio' jokes to identify allies, because Allies would know the answers but an enemy would not."  Of course, if true, that had to suck for Allies who simply hadn't heard those jokes before.

Perhaps not surprisingly, most of the jokes I've ever written are non-traditional. Here they are.

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Short Jokes

Q: What's the difference between a 7-11 and a smurf?
A: A 7-11 is a 24-hour convenience store and a smurf is a small blue fictional cartoon character.

It's non-traditional because it's not funny, it's matter-of-fact. The humor is aided be the length and complexity of the answer. Flawless delivery is essential, since it's only even barely funny if it's done well.

A: How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
B: How many?
A Five!
[long pause]
B: Why five?
A: [shrug shoulders and mumble "I dunno."]

Instead of delivering a funny punchline, *withholding* the punchline is what's funny. Quite a philosophical concept.

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Right-Turn Jokes

My friend and great humorist Jon Cartwright gave me the idea for this joke. He started to tell a joke that he was making up off the top of his head, and kept changing the direction of the joke. I saw an opportunity to take that concept and make a real non-traditional joke out of it. I only wrote one, but obviously this idea is rich and begs for others to write similar (and better) versions.

Good delivery is important for telling any joke, but it's crucial for telling long non-traditional jokes. Good delivery of a bad joke always beats poor delivery of a great joke. Good delivery includes a pace that holds the listener's interest and doesn't bore them, no back-tracking to include details you forgot to include originally, and animated voicings and body language. These are all things that can't be conveyed on a website. So you'll have to use your imagination, and keep this in mind if you retell these jokes in person. For the following joke in particular, rapid delivery is essential, with no pauses between the "right-turns".

By the way, the language in this one may seem a little odd, because the text is geared towards how you'd actually say it, which differs from how you'd prefer to read it. Anyway, here's my right-turn joke:

So three rabbis and a leprechaun are trekking across the desert. So they trek all day, then they camp out for the first night, and they're camped out, and a tarantula makes a move on the leprechaun. So the first rabbi picks up a canteen of water and throws it at the tarantula, and knocks the tarantula out, so they're all safe and everything's cool. Then they get up the second day and they trek all day, then they camp out for the second night, and they're camped out, and a rattlesnake starts going after the leprechaun. So the second rabbi picks up a box of matzoh and throws it at the rattlesnake and knocks it out, so they're safe and everything's okay. Then they get up on the third day and trek all day, then they camp out for the third night, and on the third night, a scorpion starts attacking the leprechaun. So the third rabbi walks into a bar and orders a double scotch and a milkshake. He drinks the double scotch and pours the milkshake in his pants. Then he gets a second set of drinks, and this time he drinks the milkshake and pours the double scotch in his pants. Then he gets a third set of drinks, and this time when the bartender turns his back, the elephant just takes off, running down the highway, knocking over telephone poles and smashing cars and small trucks, and by the time he gets to the tollbooth the first duck asks, "Hey, would you pass the soap?" But before the second duck can even answer, the cop BURSTS into the bathroom carrying the monkey. But the monkey gets loose, right? And he runs into the kitchen and starts smashing all the dishes and bending all the forks and spoons. And by the time the dentist catches the monkey again, the leprechaun shoves the scorpion up the third rabbi's ass.

A hallmark of non-traditional jokes is that they parody the medium of jokes themselves. The following joke, which I wrote as part of a short film I made for my then-girlfriend Amanda, is a parody joke-tellers who always back up their jokes because they forgot a crucial point. A bit of advice: Once you have to back up a joke, give up. It can no longer be funny.

Okay, so these two lesbians walk into a bar, right? And they sit down, and the first lesbian orders a gin and tonic, and the second lesbian orders a -- OH WAIT! Did I mention that the bar is in Roswell? Because that's very important, that the bar's in Roswell. Okay, so the two lesbians walk into the bar, and they take their seats, and the second lesbian orders, no, wait, the FIRST lesbian orders a gin and tonic, and the second lesbian orders vodka. They get their drinks and they start drinking, and then the first lesbian -- OH WAIT! I forgot, there are actually THREE lesbians, right? Okay, so the three lesbians walk into the bar, and the first lesbian gets vodka, no, wait, the first lesbian gets a gin and tonic, and the SECOND lesbian gets vodka, and the third lesbian gets a ham sandwich. Oh, did I say that this was a bar? Because it's actually a disco. That's very important. Okay, so the three lesbians are in the disco, and the first one gets a vodka, and the second one gets a gin and tonic, no wait, that's backwards, okay so let's make it simple and just say that they swap drinks. Okay, and then the third lesbian gets a ham sandwich. And once they get their orders, a cowboy walks into the disco -- oh wait, now I remember, they're not lesbians, they're PENGUINS. Or maybe they're lesbian penguins? Let's just say they're penguins. Oh, and it's not in Roswell, it's in Tasmania. And it's not a disco, it's a warehouse. And there's not three of them, there's twenty-seven. But thirteen of them are dead. And they're not ordering drinks, they're firing semi-automatic weapons. And the cowboy is really a leprechaun. Okay, so where were we?

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Grape-wanting Duck

My friend Karen Plemons told me this joke when we lived in the same co-op. The joke was just TOO cute, especially the way she told it, usually using a stuffed animal or one of her hands to represent the duck, and feigning laughter at the end by opening her mouth and bobbing her head back and forth without making any sound while slapping her knees. Add to all this the fact that she was only 17 at the time and you've got a cuteness nightmare. So I thought it would be funny to rewrite the joke with an edge. First, here's the original joke:

So a duck walks into a bar and he goes up to the bartender and asks, "Do you have any... grapes?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, we have booze. Beat it." So the duck backs out of the bar. Then the next day the duck goes back into the bar and says, "Do you have any... grapes?" The bartender says, "Look, I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes. Now get lost!" So the duck backs out of the bar. Then the next day the duck goes into the bar again and asks, "Do you have any... grapes?" The bartender says, "Look, I've told you twice already, no grapes! If you come back in here asking for grapes again I'm gonna nail your bill to the counter!" So the duck backs out of the bar. Then the next day the duck goes into the bar and asks, "Do you have any.... nails?" The bartender looks puzzled and says, "Uh, no, we don't have any nails." Then the duck says, "Well then, do you have any... GRAPES?!"

And here's my rewrite.

So a duck walks into a bar and says, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, get lost." So the next day the duck comes back and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender said, "No, no grapes. It's not like we were just OUT of grapes when you asked yesterday, it's that we NEVER have grapes. Now get out of here." The duck comes back again and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender says, "Look, I'm getting sick and tired of this! The next time you come in hear asking for grapes, I'm gonna nail your frickin' bill to the counter, got it?!?" So the duck comes back the next day and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender slams the counter and screams, "That does it! I'm gonna nail your frickin' bill to the counter!" So he reaches down to pick up his hammer and his nail but when he gets back up he sees that he's staring straight down the barrel of a semi-automatic rifle that the duck is holding. He doesn't even have time to drop his jaw before the bullets start RIPPING through his body, shaking it like a marionette on heroin and spurting blood everywhere. And there's an off-duty cop in the bar, and he draws his piece, thinking he's gonna take the duck out, right? But the duck SEES him in the reflection of the mirror, okay? And he leaps off the barstool doing a spinning 180 and drops the cop with a single short blast. Then the duck jumps over the counter and walks past the bartender's bleeding body on the floor and opens the mini-fridge under the bar, and all the grapes start spilling out. And now the duck is pissed! He grabs a bunch of grapes and stuffs them in the bartender's mouth, then he swaps his rifle for a shotgun, and starts jamming the grapes in the bartender's mouth with the end of the gun, yelling, "No grapes?! No grapes, huh?!" [shotgun blast, stuff more grapes into mouth, another shotgun blast] And at this point this mother is crying while her baby is wailing at the top of his lungs, and the duck jumps on the counter and yells, "STOP SCREAMING! STOP SCREAMING!"

Beside the rapid delivery, this works best if you pantomime the duck with the shotgun, and if you really YELL "Stop screaming!" at the end.

Now, in the co-op house where Jon, Karen, and I lived, any time someone new was visiting, someone would run and grab me saying, "Tell the duck joke, Bluejay! Tell the duck joke!" In fact, after I moved out I got a call from Jon and he said, "Bluejay, you have to get over here right away!" I figured it was serious so I rushed on over. When I got there I discovered that the only emergency was that Karen was back in town with some friends and they all wanted to hear the duck joke.

I got tired of all this after a while, so I wrote a completely third version to surprise the people who thought they knew what the surprise was going to be.

So a duck walks into a bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" And the bartender says, "No, I'm sorry, we don't. Uh, I can order some for you, but they won't be here until next week." The duck says, "No, that's okay, I'm actually glad you don't have them." The bartender is confused, and says, "I don't get it. Why did you ask for grapes if you don't want them?" The duck says, "Oh, I just wanted to make sure you didn't, and if you did, I would have tried to talk you into not offering them any more." The bartender replies, "Okay, I see, but what is it you have against grapes?" The duck answers, "My objection is not against grapes per se, but rather that I'm honoring the nationwide boycott against California table grapes called by the United Farmworkers. You see, most grapes are picked by immigrant farmworkers from Mexico, and the growers force the workers to labor for long hours under horrible working conditions while paying the workers just barely enough to live. The workers are also routinely exposed to toxic pesticides, denied breaks, and are fired for complaining or trying to organize for better conditions." The bartender says, "Golly, I had no idea. I'm glad you warned me. Thank you for letting me know about that." The duck says, "No problem, I appreciate your interest. In this crazy, nutty, world, we're all in this together, and we all do what we can." "Peace be with you, duck friend." "And to you as well, my brother."

Note: After 16 years, the UFW called off its grape boycott in Nov. 2000.

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Elephant and the Mouse

Jason W. told me this joke at the co-op. Despite the fact that it's offensive, I can't help but think that it's also very funny. This inspired the joke that appears after it.

An elephant gets caught in a hunter's rope net. She yells, "Help me, help me!" Just then a mouse scampers up and says, "Well, I can chew through the rope, if you'll do something for me." The elephant quickly agrees. "Sure, anything!" she says. So the mouse chews through the rope, then hops on the elephant's back, and they run into the jungle and everything's cool. The elephant says, "Wow, thanks, you really helped me out back there!" The mouse says, "Sure, no problem. But now you have to do something for me." The elephant says, "Sure, what?" And the mouse replies, "Well, I want to fuck you up the ass." The elephant shudders and goes "Ugh!" Then she says, "Well, I mean, I guess you did save my life and everything, so I can't really say no, so I guess, I mean, okay, go ahead." So the mouse positions himself behind the elephant and starts doing her. And nearby, there's a monkey in a tree who sees what's going on, and he's just disgusted my the sight of this mouse doing the elephant through her back door. He can't take it, so in his frustration, he picks up a coconut and throws it at them and it hits the elephant in the head, hard. The elephant goes, "Owwww!" And the mouse says, "Take it all, bitch."

Of course, some pantomiming of the punchline helps.

Cowboys in a Bar

The previous joke inspired me to come up with this one:

So three cowboys walk into a bar and each orders a bottle of beer. The first cowboy pours the beer all over himself, yells "Yahoo!", throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The second cowboy does the same thing -- pours the beer on himself, yells "Yahoo!" then throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The third cowboy pours his beer all over himself and yells "Yahoo!", but before he can throw his bottle up in the air, the bartender stops him and says, "Wait a minute! Before you do that, what is this all about? Why are you all pouring beer on yourselves and then shooting the bottles?" The cowboy cocks his head and says, "You really want to know?" The bartender nods eagerly. The cowboy motions the bartender closer, so the bartender puts his ear close to the cowboy's head to listen, and the cowboy says, "Take it all, bitch!"

Obviously this is only funny if you tell it after the elephant/mouse joke.

I enjoy the contrasts between these jokes and the duck/grape jokes. With the duck/grapes, I kept the beginning the same. With the elephant/cowboys, I kept the ending the same.

Window Washer

This joke is so non-traditional, it's only the story behind the joke that's remotely funny, not the joke itself. In junior high my friend Mark and I were annoyed that a friend, let's call him Kyle, would laugh at our joking around, although we were certain he didn't really "get" the jokes and he was laughing only because didn't want to expose the fact that he didn't get it. So Mark decided to set him up: One day, with me in earshot, Mark walks up to Kyle and says:

Kyle, I've got this great new joke! So there's this guy who works in an office building, right? And he's going about his business, and he's getting some coffee. But outside there's a guy washing the windows. And he's pulling the little elevator thing up the side of the building, and just then the guy in the office turns around and sees him and says, "Window washer!"

Mark starts laughing as though it's funny, and Kyle, predictably,laughs also. But when Kyle started laughing that made Mark and I laugh even harder, since he'd been such an easy dupe. We explained the scam, and then the entire rest of the day, Kyle followed me around, pleading with me to believe that he REALLY DIDN"T BELIEVE the joke was funny. At one point he insisted, "It just reminded me of a joke about a window washer that my dad told me!" So of course I had to ask, "Oh really? Share it with me." Which was met with, "Uh, I don't remember it right now."

Let's cut him (and us) some slack, though -- again, remember, junior high.

Fag in a cage?

As long as we're on the subject of adolescent humor.... First I need to apologize for the gay slurs; yes, I'm more enlightened now (I actually worked for a gay rights lawyer), but come on, this was junior high! Anyway, the following joke was going around the school:

Jokester: Are you a fag in a cage?

Victim: No!

Jokester: [pointing finger at victim] Fag on the loose!

Yeah, a real riot. Anyway, one day Jeff came towards me excitedly, and I could tell he was eager to prove that I was a fag on the loose. So when he hit me with, "Are you a fag in a cage?!", I countered with, "No Jeff, I'm not a crazed homosexual like you are."

Jeff stopped, stunned. He clearly wasn't expecting this, and didn't know what to do. After a long, pregnant, pause, he meekly lifted his hand to point at me, and shrieked, "Fag on the loose!", and ran away.

I thought, "Wow, he had one card, and he played it."

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My Traditional Jokes

These are offered with the idea that "Something is better than nothing", and "It's better to try and fail than not try at all."

Baby Sandals

Q: Who brings the baby sandals?
A: The Birkenstork.

Android Bartender

So an android gets a job as a bartender in Scotland. He asks the guy at the bar, 'Would...you...like...another...drink...sir?' And the guy says, 'AYE, Robot!'

That joke test-marketed the poorest of any joke I've ever told. Half the people didn't even get it, and those who did hated it.

Knock-Knock

The only other normal joke I have is a simple sequel to a knock-knock joke. Here's the original joke:

Knock-knock.
   Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
    Interrupting cow wh--
Moo!

And my simple sequel:

Knock-knock.
   Who's there?
Schizophrenic interrupting cow.
    Schizophrenic inter---
Meow!

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The Psychology of the Surprise Ending

As mentioned earlier, traditional jokes fall into two broad categories: word-play, and the surprise ending. It's not just that the ending is a surprise, it's that it undoes some preconceived notion you had. You were thinking one thing, but then when you hear the punchline, your mind has to backtrack and unravel what really happened. By contrast, if the unusual ending is just given to the listener with no unraveling required, then it's not funny at all. To illustrate this concept, I've rewritten a few jokes below so you can see how the exact same story loses its humor when the listener doesn't have to re-process the joke.

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Mistold Jokes

My interest in the psychology of jokes makes me particularly interested in mistold jokes -- where the teller gives the wrong punchline, because they don't even understand why the correct punchline is supposed to be funny.

Original	Mistold
Q: Why did the Aggie get shit on his nose? A: He was 'Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places'.	In junior high, a classmate retold this joke thusly: Q: Why did the Aggie get shit on his nose? A: He was lookin' in the wrong place! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart? A: Because he heard little boys' pants were half-off.	My co-op housemate Ursula retold this joke thusly: Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Wal-Mart? A: Because there was a half-price sale on boys!
Knock-knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock-knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?	I took a bike trip across the deep south, and my riding partner and I marveled at the examples of Southern illiteracy we observed along the way. I asked a clerk at a store if she knew any jokes, and she retold the classic knock-knock joke thusly: Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Knock-knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Knock-knock. Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Banana you glad I didn't say orange?
So a Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."	Cecil Scheib relates to me how someone mistold the joke to him like this: The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand and tells the vendor "Give me a hot dog with everything on it!"

Reader Mat Hall told us about how his ex-girlfriend mangled a joke.  Here's the original:

Did you hear about the Mexican man with two penises? He named the first one "José" and the second one "Hose B".

And here's how she mangled it:

Did you hear about the Mexican man with two penises? He named the first one "José" and the second one "José B". Oh wait!

Mr. Hall tells the mistold joke intentionally because he finds it funnier.

The very next day I told my friend Callison about Mr. Hall's contribution, and I managed to mistell the mistold joke! Here's how I slaughtered it:

Did you hear about the Mexican man with two penises? He named the first one "José A" and the second one "José B".

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The Combination Joke

My friend and actor/adventurer Callison Alcott challenged me to write a joke whose punchline was both wordplay and surprise ending. Since puns are by their nature kind of unexpected, I decided my criteria for success would be that the punchline had to make sense even if it weren't a pun. I came up with this in a few minutes. It's not stellar, but it satisfied Cal. There are probably many other jokes that meet this criteria but I can't think of any at the moment.

So a guy dies and goes to hell. He's led to a big cave to receive his punishment. While he's waiting he sees some guys in a corner masturbating. He thinks, "Well, this can't be all that bad if we still get to do that." A demon judge walks in and sits down on a throne and says to the guy, "Hi, I'm Byron, I'll be assigning your punishment today. Let's start by your telling me the worst sin you ever committed."

The guy hesitates. He's thinking, "Huh, well if they don't know the worst thing I've ever done then I certainly shouldn't tell them! Oh, but wait, maybe they do know what I've done and this is a test, and if I lie then I get an even worse punishment? What to do, what to do...?" He's lost in his thoughts so the demon snaps his fingers and says, "Hey! Buddy, we don't have all day here!" And gesturing to the men in the corner, he continues, "Speak now or forever hold your piece!"

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My favorite jokes (written by others)

WARNING: Some of these jokes are decidedly naughty.

Driving Nuns

So two nuns are on a road trip, when suddenly a tiny diminutive demon jumps on the hood, and plasters himself against the hood, making scary noises and faces. And the driving nun says, "Ah! What do I do?" So the passenger nun says, "Well, turn on the windshield wipers!" So the driving nun turns on the windshield wipers. But the demon just grabs on to the wipers, and now he's just going back and forth while making his scary noises and faces. And now he's agitated. So the driving nun says, "Ah! What do I do?" And the passenger nun says, "Well, turn on the windshield wiper fluid! It's filled with holy water." So the driving nun turns on the windshield wiper fluid, and it SEARS the demon, and there's all this screaming while there's a huge, thick cloud of steam. But when the smoke clears the demon is still there, going back and forth with the windshield wiper, with his flesh all seared, and now he's REALLY pissed, right? So the driver nun says, "Ah! What do I do?" The passenger nun thinks for a minute then says, "Well, show him your cross!" So the driving nun leans out the window and screams, "Get off my fuckin' hood!"

Tips: Pantomime the demon going back and forth violently with the windshield wiper, pause for a second right before the punchline, and then really SCREAM it.. Screaming is always funny.

Horse & Chicken

So a horse and a chicken are out playing in a field. And the horse falls into a mud puddle and can't get out. So the chicken FLAPS her way up to the barn, but she can't find the farmer anywhere, so she gets in the farmer's BMW and drives it out to the field, and ties a rope around the bumper, and throws the other end to the horse, and the horse grabs on, and the chicken drives the horse out, and so he's rescued and everything's cool. Then the next week they're out playing in the field again, and this time the chicken falls into a mud puddle and can't get out. So the horse GALLOPS up to the barn but he can't find the farmer. He tries to get in the BMW, but he's too big, he won't fit. So he gallops back out to the field and says, "Okay, chicken, here's what I'm gonna do. I'll stretch out over the puddle, and you reach up and grab onto my, uh, snickerdoodle, and I'll pull you out." So the horse stretches over the puddle and the chicken reaches up and pulls herself out, and so she's safe and everything's cool. So anyway, the moral of the story is, if you're hung like a horse you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

McGregor the Professional

So there's this old Scottish guy drinking at a bar, and a younger guy sits down next to him and orders a beer, so the old guy sees that he has a captive audience, so he says, "Aye, laddy. Ya see this barback here? [pounds table] I built it meself! I planed it by hand, I didn't USE one of them fancy electric sanders, NUUU! It took me a whole week and I nearly brrrroke me back! Boot, do they call me McGregor the Bar-Builder? NUUUU!" He takes another drink. Then he says, "Ya see thet stown wool yahnder? I BUILT IT MESELF! I hauled all the rooks from the revver with a barrow! It took me two weeks and I nearly brrroke me back! Boot, do they call me McGregor the Wall-Maker? NUUUU!" He takes another drink and then says, "Ya see that wooden pier out yonder? I built it meself! The hool thing, board by board! Boot, do they call me McGregor the Pier-Builder? NUUU!" He takes another drink, then looks around cautiously, then whispers, "Boot," he says, "Ya fook ONE goat!"

 

Use a Scottish accent if at all possible. A bad Scottish accent is better than none at all.

Self-Cleaning Dog

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. The first one says, "Man, don't you wish you could do that?" The second one says, "Yeah.... but I'm afraid he'd bite me."